how mother's feel

Turns out my only wish wasn't close enough in coming true. I suffer from my most recent lost due to guilt. Only GOD knows how much I love this girl and how losing her was something hard for me to forgive myself.

It was one week before new year that I went back to Mama's hometown in Merlimau, Malacca with Mama and my four other siblings. Dad was not around and was in Dubai for a few days. And as usual, visiting Nenek was the main reason to be traveled in almost 2 hours distance journey. But due to Mama's erratic ways in droving the Volvo XC90, we got there early. We spent a few nights in Malacca in which most of the time I carefully spent to play with the newborn kittens. One out five kittens caught my attention from the very first day. Due to her lack of enthusiasm and less exuberant to play with the others. I got to know from my Aunt Busu that she was actually being hit by her with a car while she was leaving the house yesterday. It was then that I realize that the kitten was having a hard time to walk. I can't stop feeling sympathy to the little one. I know my Mama too well that I was sure soon after I told her about the kitten's situation, she would suggest us to bring the kitten to the nearest vet. And of course I was right. So, I called my cousin, Syasya who lives in the town to help us to find a vet. Mama got so confused with the changes in the development that we got lost along the way to the vet. Which then took us about an hour to get there. We were actually not pleased with the whole inspection since they didn't gave us that much information needed on what's really happening to the kitten. At first, Mama decided to leave the cat for the people to take care of her until she is fully recovered. But since, I was so in love with her, Mama offered me to bring her back home with us. We knew that we should take her to our usual vet center once we got back to Shah Alam. We didn't have that much faith with the one in Malacca and were not satisfied with the antibiotics and vitamin that they gave us as a medication for the kitten. The kitten's condition contradict the whole 'okay' situation that we know there's something more than wrong with the kitten.

So, right after we left for Malacca to Nilai; for my cousin's daughter first birthday party + housewarming party, and from Nilai to Shah Alam, we went straight away to the vet center in section 13. That later we got to know that maybe the poor little kitten that we finally named Mocha Chino is suffering from difficulty in breathing due to Diaphragm Hernias. It is a ruptured diaphragm condition. The diaphragm that works to separate her lungs and heart with her kidney and intestine was ripped off. Due to that, her intestine system and kidney might have been bothering her to perform correct breathing by pushing against her lungs. Since it can't be yet confirmed without Xray, we only managed to set up an appointment for her Xray appointment on that coming Monday. We waited for Monday and I was nearly out of breath myself due to constant tear bursting at night because I can't help myself seeing her suffer. She was so strong fighting herself for every breath catches. I can't be more proud of her. She literally inspire me in so many ways. I know, you're questioning me, how can a cat inspire us human ? You might just have to think that out of the box. Start by getting a cat and love them. You'll be surprised. For me, it's simple, they're more genuine than human. And they way they love us, is tempting, loyal and cute to resist. Monday came to less than a shocker to me because the Xray proven that Mocha did suffered from Diaphragm Hernias. And the only way to get her back to recovery was to get her into surgery in UPM. We went to UPM on Wednesday and only managed to squeeze in to next Tuesday for surgery. We took her back to UPM on the next day to get her blood sample. This was when I was having a hard time trying to make a decision whether to let her stay for further evaluation by the veterinarian or it would be better if I take care of her myself at home since she was doing fine with me as if she was getting better. The veterinarian said so herself that she was strong for her condition. I cried as I left her. She cried out for me, my baby, and all I could do was to continue crying back at her seeing her hating being locked in a cage. We were both aggressively crying. I decided after being advised, to left her with the veterinarian for further inspection. And that I will be seeing her next Monday during visitation hours before the surgery on Tuesday since it will be closed for New Year tomorrow and during weekends. It was definitely hard for me to left her but it was to be done. My heart never agreed to put her there. But I wasn't listening to it. I under estimated myself. I thought I couldn't take care of her better than they would. I under estimated the power of love. The mixed feelings, left me to question myself, what kind of a mother am I ? And now that I came to a regret, after she died on the very next day, that is on the first day of new year, I know for sure that she was trying to tell me something before I left her in the cage. I was sure enough she was telling me that she loves me and she wanted to spend the rest of her remaining time with me. I blame myself until now not because of her death, but, because I left her to die alone with the other cats she barely knew. And all she wanted was for me to be there. Her family. Me, her Mama. The one who took care of her 24/7, who constantly there for her and feeding her medicine, and the one who took care of her at night crying and praying for her every day. I love you and I'm sorry.

A note to Mocha, my dear sweet baby.

Mocha,

I'm so sorry baby. Forgive me for letting you down. I love you always ! I miss you. Come and visit me at night will you.

Love you constantly, Mama.

p/s : Never under estimate yourself, even if it's to someone more specialize than you. Never under estimate the power of love. Clearly, from all the loving and caress Mocha gets from me and my family, it motivates her to live better. She clearly tried harder when she was with us. And I regret not believing in what I can do. Just because I failed myself before. I guess I have to have more faith and be more forgiving towards oneself.